It has been a tough couple of months in respect to professional help. First off my therapist cut down her hours to noon to three, and days to Monday, Wednesday , and Friday. My Appointments used to be on Tuesday at 6 pm. Her new hours do not work for me because of my job. I did have a choice. I could have told my employer about my Bi Polar. I could have asked for a reasonable accommodation under ADA. In the past when an accommodation was asked for, that employee was gone within 6 months. Oh the reason was job performance. Even though the employees performance was the same as it was before the accommodation was asked for. As much as I would like to ask for an accommodation, I need my job.
That leaves me with out a therapist. I am still looking for a new therapist that I feel comfortable with. It is turning out to be a long process. I knew it would take some time since it took 4 months to find my original therapist. So that search continues.
My pdoc let me know last week that she is cutting down her hours. Additionally she will no longer be seeing patients at the location that I had been using. The only location she will be seeing patients at, and the times she will be seeing patients at, is quite a distance for me. I see her on October 14th for the last time. She has me set up with another doctor in the practice. Of course there will be the ever popular intake appointment. The biggest concern here is whether or not he will continue the current drug therapy or not. I hope he does. I have always had a rough time switching meds.
So after this many years, I find myself starting over again. Hopefully it will be a smooth transition and there will be a good comfort level. Otherwise it is back onto the merry-go-round of searching. wish me luck.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Another sleepless night
So I took the 1mg of Lunesta as directed by the pdoc. 1 hour later and I am still awake. I take another one with the sames results. Finally about 2:30am I fell asleep. The alarm goes off at 5:30am, so I got a total of 3 hours. Tonight I will start with the 2 mg. Hopefully it will work like it should.
Yesterday at the appointment with the pdoc I got an interesting comment from her. I went over the sounds and visions I have been having at night. Sort of shadow people. When I seen them I am certain they mean to harm me or my wife. So I jump out of bed to attack them before they attack me. It is a good thing that my wife is a light sleeper. She usually is able to stop me before I hurt myself by crashing into a wall or a door. After she stops me the shadow people go away.This has been happening for the past 2 weeks. It happened last night as well. After I tell the pdoc this she looked at me and said "I don't think you are psychotic". I am not certain how to take that comment. Is it because they disappear? I am not sure. I think I will ask her next time I see her.
Today is Friday. It is my day of salvation. No more work, and a trip out to the camper. The camper is on a seasonal campsite. We get to go there every Friday thru Sunday from April 15th until October 15th. It is my sanctuary. A quiet place where there are very little demands on me. Just relaxing and eating. Typically I cook while we are there. I find a peace in it. Whether it is grilling or cooking in the camp dutch oven. all that it involves is a little prep work and then keeping an eye on it. Not hard, but it gives me a sense of satisfaction, something that is sorely lacking at work.
Tonight it will be burgers on the grill with a dutch oven apple cobbler for dessert. Tomorrow it is chicken and rice cooked in the dutch oven also. Dessert will be a chocolate cherry cobbler. A dutch oven is a cast iron pot. A camp dutch oven is a cast iron pot with three legs on it and a lid with a lip on it. They come in different sizes. I have an 8, a 10, and a 12 inch diameter dutch ovens. Cooking in them is just like cooking in an oven. You set the heat by the number of coals you use on the top and bottom of the oven. After everything is in the pot it only requires to be turned a quarter turn every 15 minutes. You turn it so that if there is a hot spot on the coals you end up spreading that heat through out the entire oven. That is all there is to it. It is something I picked up while I was an assistant scoutmaster with my son's scout troop. I am just glad that no one knew I have a mental illness, otherwise I would never have been a scoutmaster.
Speaking of people not knowing I have found that I can act like I am perfectly well. I don't know where I picked that up, but I suspect it is from the acting I have done. I have been an amateur actor since high school. I think it is a skill that has helped me with this illness. I am always on guard with this illness when I am around people who do not know that I am Bi Polar. This guardedness is a direct result of my experience telling people about it. I have found out that to find out who are truly your friends, just tell them you have a mental illness. The true ones will not flinch. The others head for the hills so fast that they break the sound barrier. It only took a couple experiences like that for me to keep my mental illness a secret. I hate having to do that. I can only hope that someday that will not be necessary.
More ramblings later.
Yesterday at the appointment with the pdoc I got an interesting comment from her. I went over the sounds and visions I have been having at night. Sort of shadow people. When I seen them I am certain they mean to harm me or my wife. So I jump out of bed to attack them before they attack me. It is a good thing that my wife is a light sleeper. She usually is able to stop me before I hurt myself by crashing into a wall or a door. After she stops me the shadow people go away.This has been happening for the past 2 weeks. It happened last night as well. After I tell the pdoc this she looked at me and said "I don't think you are psychotic". I am not certain how to take that comment. Is it because they disappear? I am not sure. I think I will ask her next time I see her.
Today is Friday. It is my day of salvation. No more work, and a trip out to the camper. The camper is on a seasonal campsite. We get to go there every Friday thru Sunday from April 15th until October 15th. It is my sanctuary. A quiet place where there are very little demands on me. Just relaxing and eating. Typically I cook while we are there. I find a peace in it. Whether it is grilling or cooking in the camp dutch oven. all that it involves is a little prep work and then keeping an eye on it. Not hard, but it gives me a sense of satisfaction, something that is sorely lacking at work.
Tonight it will be burgers on the grill with a dutch oven apple cobbler for dessert. Tomorrow it is chicken and rice cooked in the dutch oven also. Dessert will be a chocolate cherry cobbler. A dutch oven is a cast iron pot. A camp dutch oven is a cast iron pot with three legs on it and a lid with a lip on it. They come in different sizes. I have an 8, a 10, and a 12 inch diameter dutch ovens. Cooking in them is just like cooking in an oven. You set the heat by the number of coals you use on the top and bottom of the oven. After everything is in the pot it only requires to be turned a quarter turn every 15 minutes. You turn it so that if there is a hot spot on the coals you end up spreading that heat through out the entire oven. That is all there is to it. It is something I picked up while I was an assistant scoutmaster with my son's scout troop. I am just glad that no one knew I have a mental illness, otherwise I would never have been a scoutmaster.
Speaking of people not knowing I have found that I can act like I am perfectly well. I don't know where I picked that up, but I suspect it is from the acting I have done. I have been an amateur actor since high school. I think it is a skill that has helped me with this illness. I am always on guard with this illness when I am around people who do not know that I am Bi Polar. This guardedness is a direct result of my experience telling people about it. I have found out that to find out who are truly your friends, just tell them you have a mental illness. The true ones will not flinch. The others head for the hills so fast that they break the sound barrier. It only took a couple experiences like that for me to keep my mental illness a secret. I hate having to do that. I can only hope that someday that will not be necessary.
More ramblings later.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
A visit to the ever popular pdoc
Today was med check day. I am currently on the every 30 days cycle. Things are at that point when the manic phase has turned started to turn to the ever popular mixed episode. That time for me when I hold my breath and wait for the bottom to drop away and I free fall into the depths. I best describe this state as being brittle. As if one blow, one change, one more breath will shatter me. All I have learned is when the blow does fall, there is no certainty in the way I will emerge.
Today I found out that my doctor, as of November, will no longer have office hours at the location closest to me. I have been with her for 7 years. It is like losing a good friend. One who has seen me in all of my states of being. One who I trust and have let into my inner world. I do not easily allow people in to my life, much less my inner life. For 7 years she has been the voice of hope. Now that must all start again. I am being transferred to another associate in the practice. I will see him for the first time in November. So for now there is one last session with her. Sort of a farewell.
Today we tweaked my meds. I am now on 800 mg of Seroquel and 300mg of Lamictal. Today's addition is Lunesta. My sleep has been off, I am getting by on 4 to 5 hours per night. Normally it is 7 to 9 hours. So it is Lunesta for a week and then we will see. I am to call her in a week and let her know where I am at. If the Lunesta does not get the sleep regulated then there will be an increase in dosage. If sleep improves and the mood does not, then it will be a primary med change. So for now it is wait a week and see where I am at the end of the next seven days.
Stay Tuned.
Today I found out that my doctor, as of November, will no longer have office hours at the location closest to me. I have been with her for 7 years. It is like losing a good friend. One who has seen me in all of my states of being. One who I trust and have let into my inner world. I do not easily allow people in to my life, much less my inner life. For 7 years she has been the voice of hope. Now that must all start again. I am being transferred to another associate in the practice. I will see him for the first time in November. So for now there is one last session with her. Sort of a farewell.
Today we tweaked my meds. I am now on 800 mg of Seroquel and 300mg of Lamictal. Today's addition is Lunesta. My sleep has been off, I am getting by on 4 to 5 hours per night. Normally it is 7 to 9 hours. So it is Lunesta for a week and then we will see. I am to call her in a week and let her know where I am at. If the Lunesta does not get the sleep regulated then there will be an increase in dosage. If sleep improves and the mood does not, then it will be a primary med change. So for now it is wait a week and see where I am at the end of the next seven days.
Stay Tuned.
Why am I here?
That is a question I often ask myself. So why start a blog now? I am hoping it will be a safe outlet for the ramblings of my mind. A place to let my thoughts take filght and perhaps gain some insight to myself.
I am not sure wht the future hold, so prepare for a bumpy ride (if my life experience is any indication it will be a wild, and at times, a precarious ride).
Now let the rollercoaster ride begin.
I am not sure wht the future hold, so prepare for a bumpy ride (if my life experience is any indication it will be a wild, and at times, a precarious ride).
Now let the rollercoaster ride begin.
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