Tomorrow morning it is CT scan time. This should give a clear answer to the question "Has it spread or did surgery remove it all". But alas that question will not be answered until I see the Oncologist on Monday. So it appears that this weekend will crawl by.
I do believe that it has spread, since this is what the pathology report hinted at. (I can't wait to get a clear answer in layman's term as to what the pathology report actually says). I am expecting to hear that from the Oncologist. I hope I am wrong, but I am preparing myself. I have been researching treatments. I am anxious to discuss these with the Oncologist. From what I have learned, each treatment has it's own merits and side effects. Of course everyone reacts differently to treatment, so the exact side effects are unknown until treatment starts.
I am fortunate to have a pretty good support system already in place. Besides my wife, my cousin and his wife are firmly in my corner. He has repeatedly told me that anything I need he will take care of. Anything from an ear to listen to jobs around the house I may not be able to do. The fact that he is 50 miles away makes his offer even more appreciated.
My wife is a rock. I know that with her by my side I will be able to get through this. I am thankful that she will also have a support system. Since we told her mother about it all, she has heard from both of her sisters. Her sisters are great people. They have already offered to do what ever they can. But I suspect they will mostly be there for my wife to talk to, and let her feelings out. I know this is going to be hard for her. Perhaps even harder for her than it will be for me. I know she will be nothing but positive for me. But I know she will not share any of her fears or doubts with me. She already has taken on the role of keeping me positive about the outcome of all this. She has not really spoken about her fears or worries. I know it is to keep my outlook positive and not be dragged down by her fears. I wish she would unburden herself to me. I need to find a way to get her to do this. Because if she does not let me know what she is thinking I will imagine the worst. I can handle what ever she fears, all i want to do is to lend her the same support and positive attitude she has given me. Time will tell if i am successful.
In the research I have been doing I have learned that part of the tumor is the aggressive type of cancer. I know that if caught early it is highly curable. Now the question is did we catch early or not. The CT scan will also tell me that. It will be used by the Oncologist to stage the cancer. Monday will answer a lot of questions.
The change in my approach to life has changed. I used to look long term. Months in advance. Now I simply look at each step as it comes my way. Today my focus is on the CT scan that is scheduled for tomorrow. Tomorrow afternoon through the weekend will be focused on the Oncologist appointment that is set for Monday afternoon. Beyond Monday is a mystery to me. I have no idea where life will go from there. This short term vision is so very different for me. It is going to take a lot of getting used to.
I see my pdoc on the 11th. I am not sure what is going to happen there. Will we try changing meds because these are not really working that well anymore. Or will we increase the dosage. Then there is the possible medication interaction if chemotherapy is the chosen therapy for my cancer. There will need to be some close work done by my doctors so everything stays in balance.
I have been having thoughts of suicide. I have not started making any plans, but the idea is still there. I am not sure if it is the result of the meds losing effectiveness or it is my health situation. I am holding on, but the thoughts of suicide are keeping me worried. The last time i had thoughts like these I did attempt suicide. Obviously it was a failed attempt, but it still was an attempt. Hospitalization would not be a good thing for me right now. I fear that if i have to be hospitalized for a suicide attempt, I will give up completely.
Until Monday, stay tuned.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
The verdict is coming
I have made it through the surgery. It went longer than expected, but they were able to remove the testicle in one piece. Of course that meant a larger incision and consequently more staples. The incision is 8 inches long. That length required 12 staples to close it. I am still amazed that this whole procedure was done on an out patient basis. I had surgery at 11:00 am and was home by 2:30pm. I was out of surgery for 30 minutes and they had me up and walking. In times past I would have been hospitalized for 3 days. I was told that walking helps speed the healing process. It turns out that I my case this was true. I was off work for only 2 days. That still amazes me.
Today is the post-op appointment. Today I get the results from the pathology report. I am fairly certain that it is cancer, my urologist told me that he was 95% certain it was cancer, I am just wondering how aggressive this cancer is. I am already shopping for an Oncologist. Once I get the results I will know what direction things will take. It is possible that it had not spread and all of it has been removed. If that is the case I could be done with treatment. If it has spread or it is an aggressive type of cancer then there will be more decisions to make and more treatments to take.
I am at a point where I am tired of the waiting and not knowing. Another part of me is wondering how this is going to affect my moods. I have been all over the map since this started. Depression has been the most prevalent. But there have been moments of mania. So I suspect I am getting into a mixed state. I absolutely despise mixed states. I never truly realize that I am in one. I can see it coming but I never know when it has arrived. To me it is the worst kind on "instability". I just get rocked from one side to the other. I know I am never in tune with it either. At least if I am in tune with my mood I know what to do to help myself. A mixed state brings on all of the worst of the spectrum. It is mixed states where I have attempted suicide. I do know that I have to rely on my support network to keep myself out of harms way. But that does not stop the thoughts. It usually takes a major med adjustment, or perhaps hospitalization this time. Neither are options I like, but to keep on living one will have to be chosen, if not both. Of course I can work myself out of it without any help. Yes I know that is whistling past the graveyard. But at the moment that is the thought running through my brain.
Two hours to go. I have always known that life can change in an instant. In point of fact I have experienced that many times. However I have never known the exact time of that instant before. Perhaps this time the instant will never come.
Stay tuned.
Today is the post-op appointment. Today I get the results from the pathology report. I am fairly certain that it is cancer, my urologist told me that he was 95% certain it was cancer, I am just wondering how aggressive this cancer is. I am already shopping for an Oncologist. Once I get the results I will know what direction things will take. It is possible that it had not spread and all of it has been removed. If that is the case I could be done with treatment. If it has spread or it is an aggressive type of cancer then there will be more decisions to make and more treatments to take.
I am at a point where I am tired of the waiting and not knowing. Another part of me is wondering how this is going to affect my moods. I have been all over the map since this started. Depression has been the most prevalent. But there have been moments of mania. So I suspect I am getting into a mixed state. I absolutely despise mixed states. I never truly realize that I am in one. I can see it coming but I never know when it has arrived. To me it is the worst kind on "instability". I just get rocked from one side to the other. I know I am never in tune with it either. At least if I am in tune with my mood I know what to do to help myself. A mixed state brings on all of the worst of the spectrum. It is mixed states where I have attempted suicide. I do know that I have to rely on my support network to keep myself out of harms way. But that does not stop the thoughts. It usually takes a major med adjustment, or perhaps hospitalization this time. Neither are options I like, but to keep on living one will have to be chosen, if not both. Of course I can work myself out of it without any help. Yes I know that is whistling past the graveyard. But at the moment that is the thought running through my brain.
Two hours to go. I have always known that life can change in an instant. In point of fact I have experienced that many times. However I have never known the exact time of that instant before. Perhaps this time the instant will never come.
Stay tuned.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Now the uncertainity begins
I have been diagnosised with testicular cancer. Tomorrow is surgery day. Then the waiting begins. Three to five days for the pathologists report. Then I find out for certain what type of cancer it is. Seminomas or it's faster growing cousin nonseminomas. After that is determined then it is time to find out what stage I am at. Has it spread or not. Then the referral to the oncologist, who will likely order a ct scan to determine what stage the cancer is at. There are three stages. thanks to the National Cancer Institute the stages are detailed below.
Stage one is described in the following section:
Stage 0 (Carcinoma in Situ)
Stage two is as follows:
Stage II
Stage III
Stage one is described in the following section:
Stage 0 (Carcinoma in Situ)
In stage 0, abnormal cells are found in the tiny tubules where the sperm cells begin to develop. These abnormal cells may become cancer and spread into nearby normal tissue. All tumor marker levels are normal. Stage 0 is also called carcinoma in situ.
Stage I In stage I, cancer has formed. Stage I is divided into stage IA, stage IB, and stage IS and is determined after a radical inguinal orchiectomy is done.
- In stage IA, cancer is in the testicle and epididymis and may have spread to the inner layer of the membrane surrounding the testicle. All tumor marker levels are normal.
- In stage IB, cancer:
- is in the testicle and the epididymis and has spread to the blood vessels or lymph vessels in the testicle; or
- has spread to the outer layer of the membrane surrounding the testicle; or
- is in the spermatic cord or the scrotum and may be in the blood vessels or lymph vessels of the testicle.
In stage IS, cancer is found anywhere within the testicle, spermatic cord, or the scrotum and either:
- all tumor marker levels are slightly above normal; or
- one or more tumor marker levels are moderately above normal or high.
Stage two is as follows:
Stage II
Stage II is divided into stage IIA, stage IIB, and stage IIC and is determined after a radical inguinal orchiectomy is done.
- In stage IIA, cancer:
- is anywhere within the testicle, spermatic cord, or scrotum; and
- has spread to up to 5 lymph nodes in the abdomen, none larger than 2 centimeters.
- In stage IIB, cancer is anywhere within the testicle, spermatic cord, or scrotum; and either:
- has spread to up to 5 lymph nodes in the abdomen; at least one of the lymph nodes is larger than 2 centimeters, but none are larger than 5 centimeters; or
- has spread to more than 5 lymph nodes; the lymph nodes are not larger than 5 centimeters.
- In stage IIC, cancer:
- is anywhere within the testicle, spermatic cord, or scrotum; and
- has spread to a lymph node in the abdomen that is larger than 5 centimeters.
And finally Stage 3:
Stage III is divided into stage IIIA, stage IIIB, and stage IIIC and is determined after a radical inguinal orchiectomy is done.
- In stage IIIA, cancer:
- is anywhere within the testicle, spermatic cord, or scrotum; and
- may have spread to one or more lymph nodes in the abdomen; and
- has spread to distant lymph nodes or to the lungs.
- In stage IIIB, cancer:
- is anywhere within the testicle, spermatic cord, or scrotum; and
- may have spread to one or more lymph nodes in the abdomen, to distant lymph nodes, or to the lungs.
- In stage IIIC, cancer:
- is anywhere within the testicle, spermatic cord, or scrotum; and
- may have spread to one or more lymph nodes in the abdomen, to distant lymph nodes, or to the lungs.
orCancer:- is anywhere within the testicle, spermatic cord, or scrotum; and
- may have spread to one or more lymph nodes in the abdomen; and
- has not spread to distant lymph nodes or the lung but has spread to other parts of the body.
After the staging is determined then additional treatment options are discussed and decided upon.
This promises to be a journey that I never expected to take. One that I will try to document. If for no other reason than to give me an outlet for what is going on in my life, and how this all affects my moods.
Stay tuned, the journey begins.
Monday, October 11, 2010
On the Outside Looking In
I am beginning to fell like my face is pressed against the window of life. I can see all that is going on but it does not have a direct affect on me. It is a mental seperation for all that is around me. It is getting harder and harder to interact. Human communication eludes me a times. I feel like screaming, but I know the glass is too thick for anyone to hear me. Try as I might, I can not reach the life that is behind the glass.
I go through my day trying to be normal, engaged, responsive. But it is just an act. I know that I am outside the daily flow of life. But the act is a good one, no one suspects.
The thoughts swirl in my brain but I do not let them escape. For I fear that they are not coherent. That my thoughts wil further seperate me from the flow of life. I can not share them with the ones closest to me. I know I can not put them through this downward spiral once again. I fear that the only way to break this glass that seperates me will be a trip to the hospital. That is what I fear the most. In the past I have been able to talk my way out of hospitalization. For I knew it would relieve me of the remaining friends I have on this earth. Additionally if my employer found out, my job would disappear before my eyes.
I do hope that one day the ignorance and stigma of this disease will evaporate. I do dream of a world where I can be who I truly am. A world where having BiPolar Disorder is not the "scary" thing that it is today.
But that day is too far in the future to give me any comfort today. So I continue my little act and pray no one notices, and keep my eyes focused on what is happening beyond the glass.
I go through my day trying to be normal, engaged, responsive. But it is just an act. I know that I am outside the daily flow of life. But the act is a good one, no one suspects.
The thoughts swirl in my brain but I do not let them escape. For I fear that they are not coherent. That my thoughts wil further seperate me from the flow of life. I can not share them with the ones closest to me. I know I can not put them through this downward spiral once again. I fear that the only way to break this glass that seperates me will be a trip to the hospital. That is what I fear the most. In the past I have been able to talk my way out of hospitalization. For I knew it would relieve me of the remaining friends I have on this earth. Additionally if my employer found out, my job would disappear before my eyes.
I do hope that one day the ignorance and stigma of this disease will evaporate. I do dream of a world where I can be who I truly am. A world where having BiPolar Disorder is not the "scary" thing that it is today.
But that day is too far in the future to give me any comfort today. So I continue my little act and pray no one notices, and keep my eyes focused on what is happening beyond the glass.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Losing Professional Help
It has been a tough couple of months in respect to professional help. First off my therapist cut down her hours to noon to three, and days to Monday, Wednesday , and Friday. My Appointments used to be on Tuesday at 6 pm. Her new hours do not work for me because of my job. I did have a choice. I could have told my employer about my Bi Polar. I could have asked for a reasonable accommodation under ADA. In the past when an accommodation was asked for, that employee was gone within 6 months. Oh the reason was job performance. Even though the employees performance was the same as it was before the accommodation was asked for. As much as I would like to ask for an accommodation, I need my job.
That leaves me with out a therapist. I am still looking for a new therapist that I feel comfortable with. It is turning out to be a long process. I knew it would take some time since it took 4 months to find my original therapist. So that search continues.
My pdoc let me know last week that she is cutting down her hours. Additionally she will no longer be seeing patients at the location that I had been using. The only location she will be seeing patients at, and the times she will be seeing patients at, is quite a distance for me. I see her on October 14th for the last time. She has me set up with another doctor in the practice. Of course there will be the ever popular intake appointment. The biggest concern here is whether or not he will continue the current drug therapy or not. I hope he does. I have always had a rough time switching meds.
So after this many years, I find myself starting over again. Hopefully it will be a smooth transition and there will be a good comfort level. Otherwise it is back onto the merry-go-round of searching. wish me luck.
That leaves me with out a therapist. I am still looking for a new therapist that I feel comfortable with. It is turning out to be a long process. I knew it would take some time since it took 4 months to find my original therapist. So that search continues.
My pdoc let me know last week that she is cutting down her hours. Additionally she will no longer be seeing patients at the location that I had been using. The only location she will be seeing patients at, and the times she will be seeing patients at, is quite a distance for me. I see her on October 14th for the last time. She has me set up with another doctor in the practice. Of course there will be the ever popular intake appointment. The biggest concern here is whether or not he will continue the current drug therapy or not. I hope he does. I have always had a rough time switching meds.
So after this many years, I find myself starting over again. Hopefully it will be a smooth transition and there will be a good comfort level. Otherwise it is back onto the merry-go-round of searching. wish me luck.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Another sleepless night
So I took the 1mg of Lunesta as directed by the pdoc. 1 hour later and I am still awake. I take another one with the sames results. Finally about 2:30am I fell asleep. The alarm goes off at 5:30am, so I got a total of 3 hours. Tonight I will start with the 2 mg. Hopefully it will work like it should.
Yesterday at the appointment with the pdoc I got an interesting comment from her. I went over the sounds and visions I have been having at night. Sort of shadow people. When I seen them I am certain they mean to harm me or my wife. So I jump out of bed to attack them before they attack me. It is a good thing that my wife is a light sleeper. She usually is able to stop me before I hurt myself by crashing into a wall or a door. After she stops me the shadow people go away.This has been happening for the past 2 weeks. It happened last night as well. After I tell the pdoc this she looked at me and said "I don't think you are psychotic". I am not certain how to take that comment. Is it because they disappear? I am not sure. I think I will ask her next time I see her.
Today is Friday. It is my day of salvation. No more work, and a trip out to the camper. The camper is on a seasonal campsite. We get to go there every Friday thru Sunday from April 15th until October 15th. It is my sanctuary. A quiet place where there are very little demands on me. Just relaxing and eating. Typically I cook while we are there. I find a peace in it. Whether it is grilling or cooking in the camp dutch oven. all that it involves is a little prep work and then keeping an eye on it. Not hard, but it gives me a sense of satisfaction, something that is sorely lacking at work.
Tonight it will be burgers on the grill with a dutch oven apple cobbler for dessert. Tomorrow it is chicken and rice cooked in the dutch oven also. Dessert will be a chocolate cherry cobbler. A dutch oven is a cast iron pot. A camp dutch oven is a cast iron pot with three legs on it and a lid with a lip on it. They come in different sizes. I have an 8, a 10, and a 12 inch diameter dutch ovens. Cooking in them is just like cooking in an oven. You set the heat by the number of coals you use on the top and bottom of the oven. After everything is in the pot it only requires to be turned a quarter turn every 15 minutes. You turn it so that if there is a hot spot on the coals you end up spreading that heat through out the entire oven. That is all there is to it. It is something I picked up while I was an assistant scoutmaster with my son's scout troop. I am just glad that no one knew I have a mental illness, otherwise I would never have been a scoutmaster.
Speaking of people not knowing I have found that I can act like I am perfectly well. I don't know where I picked that up, but I suspect it is from the acting I have done. I have been an amateur actor since high school. I think it is a skill that has helped me with this illness. I am always on guard with this illness when I am around people who do not know that I am Bi Polar. This guardedness is a direct result of my experience telling people about it. I have found out that to find out who are truly your friends, just tell them you have a mental illness. The true ones will not flinch. The others head for the hills so fast that they break the sound barrier. It only took a couple experiences like that for me to keep my mental illness a secret. I hate having to do that. I can only hope that someday that will not be necessary.
More ramblings later.
Yesterday at the appointment with the pdoc I got an interesting comment from her. I went over the sounds and visions I have been having at night. Sort of shadow people. When I seen them I am certain they mean to harm me or my wife. So I jump out of bed to attack them before they attack me. It is a good thing that my wife is a light sleeper. She usually is able to stop me before I hurt myself by crashing into a wall or a door. After she stops me the shadow people go away.This has been happening for the past 2 weeks. It happened last night as well. After I tell the pdoc this she looked at me and said "I don't think you are psychotic". I am not certain how to take that comment. Is it because they disappear? I am not sure. I think I will ask her next time I see her.
Today is Friday. It is my day of salvation. No more work, and a trip out to the camper. The camper is on a seasonal campsite. We get to go there every Friday thru Sunday from April 15th until October 15th. It is my sanctuary. A quiet place where there are very little demands on me. Just relaxing and eating. Typically I cook while we are there. I find a peace in it. Whether it is grilling or cooking in the camp dutch oven. all that it involves is a little prep work and then keeping an eye on it. Not hard, but it gives me a sense of satisfaction, something that is sorely lacking at work.
Tonight it will be burgers on the grill with a dutch oven apple cobbler for dessert. Tomorrow it is chicken and rice cooked in the dutch oven also. Dessert will be a chocolate cherry cobbler. A dutch oven is a cast iron pot. A camp dutch oven is a cast iron pot with three legs on it and a lid with a lip on it. They come in different sizes. I have an 8, a 10, and a 12 inch diameter dutch ovens. Cooking in them is just like cooking in an oven. You set the heat by the number of coals you use on the top and bottom of the oven. After everything is in the pot it only requires to be turned a quarter turn every 15 minutes. You turn it so that if there is a hot spot on the coals you end up spreading that heat through out the entire oven. That is all there is to it. It is something I picked up while I was an assistant scoutmaster with my son's scout troop. I am just glad that no one knew I have a mental illness, otherwise I would never have been a scoutmaster.
Speaking of people not knowing I have found that I can act like I am perfectly well. I don't know where I picked that up, but I suspect it is from the acting I have done. I have been an amateur actor since high school. I think it is a skill that has helped me with this illness. I am always on guard with this illness when I am around people who do not know that I am Bi Polar. This guardedness is a direct result of my experience telling people about it. I have found out that to find out who are truly your friends, just tell them you have a mental illness. The true ones will not flinch. The others head for the hills so fast that they break the sound barrier. It only took a couple experiences like that for me to keep my mental illness a secret. I hate having to do that. I can only hope that someday that will not be necessary.
More ramblings later.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
A visit to the ever popular pdoc
Today was med check day. I am currently on the every 30 days cycle. Things are at that point when the manic phase has turned started to turn to the ever popular mixed episode. That time for me when I hold my breath and wait for the bottom to drop away and I free fall into the depths. I best describe this state as being brittle. As if one blow, one change, one more breath will shatter me. All I have learned is when the blow does fall, there is no certainty in the way I will emerge.
Today I found out that my doctor, as of November, will no longer have office hours at the location closest to me. I have been with her for 7 years. It is like losing a good friend. One who has seen me in all of my states of being. One who I trust and have let into my inner world. I do not easily allow people in to my life, much less my inner life. For 7 years she has been the voice of hope. Now that must all start again. I am being transferred to another associate in the practice. I will see him for the first time in November. So for now there is one last session with her. Sort of a farewell.
Today we tweaked my meds. I am now on 800 mg of Seroquel and 300mg of Lamictal. Today's addition is Lunesta. My sleep has been off, I am getting by on 4 to 5 hours per night. Normally it is 7 to 9 hours. So it is Lunesta for a week and then we will see. I am to call her in a week and let her know where I am at. If the Lunesta does not get the sleep regulated then there will be an increase in dosage. If sleep improves and the mood does not, then it will be a primary med change. So for now it is wait a week and see where I am at the end of the next seven days.
Stay Tuned.
Today I found out that my doctor, as of November, will no longer have office hours at the location closest to me. I have been with her for 7 years. It is like losing a good friend. One who has seen me in all of my states of being. One who I trust and have let into my inner world. I do not easily allow people in to my life, much less my inner life. For 7 years she has been the voice of hope. Now that must all start again. I am being transferred to another associate in the practice. I will see him for the first time in November. So for now there is one last session with her. Sort of a farewell.
Today we tweaked my meds. I am now on 800 mg of Seroquel and 300mg of Lamictal. Today's addition is Lunesta. My sleep has been off, I am getting by on 4 to 5 hours per night. Normally it is 7 to 9 hours. So it is Lunesta for a week and then we will see. I am to call her in a week and let her know where I am at. If the Lunesta does not get the sleep regulated then there will be an increase in dosage. If sleep improves and the mood does not, then it will be a primary med change. So for now it is wait a week and see where I am at the end of the next seven days.
Stay Tuned.
Why am I here?
That is a question I often ask myself. So why start a blog now? I am hoping it will be a safe outlet for the ramblings of my mind. A place to let my thoughts take filght and perhaps gain some insight to myself.
I am not sure wht the future hold, so prepare for a bumpy ride (if my life experience is any indication it will be a wild, and at times, a precarious ride).
Now let the rollercoaster ride begin.
I am not sure wht the future hold, so prepare for a bumpy ride (if my life experience is any indication it will be a wild, and at times, a precarious ride).
Now let the rollercoaster ride begin.
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