Tomorrow morning it is CT scan time. This should give a clear answer to the question "Has it spread or did surgery remove it all". But alas that question will not be answered until I see the Oncologist on Monday. So it appears that this weekend will crawl by.
I do believe that it has spread, since this is what the pathology report hinted at. (I can't wait to get a clear answer in layman's term as to what the pathology report actually says). I am expecting to hear that from the Oncologist. I hope I am wrong, but I am preparing myself. I have been researching treatments. I am anxious to discuss these with the Oncologist. From what I have learned, each treatment has it's own merits and side effects. Of course everyone reacts differently to treatment, so the exact side effects are unknown until treatment starts.
I am fortunate to have a pretty good support system already in place. Besides my wife, my cousin and his wife are firmly in my corner. He has repeatedly told me that anything I need he will take care of. Anything from an ear to listen to jobs around the house I may not be able to do. The fact that he is 50 miles away makes his offer even more appreciated.
My wife is a rock. I know that with her by my side I will be able to get through this. I am thankful that she will also have a support system. Since we told her mother about it all, she has heard from both of her sisters. Her sisters are great people. They have already offered to do what ever they can. But I suspect they will mostly be there for my wife to talk to, and let her feelings out. I know this is going to be hard for her. Perhaps even harder for her than it will be for me. I know she will be nothing but positive for me. But I know she will not share any of her fears or doubts with me. She already has taken on the role of keeping me positive about the outcome of all this. She has not really spoken about her fears or worries. I know it is to keep my outlook positive and not be dragged down by her fears. I wish she would unburden herself to me. I need to find a way to get her to do this. Because if she does not let me know what she is thinking I will imagine the worst. I can handle what ever she fears, all i want to do is to lend her the same support and positive attitude she has given me. Time will tell if i am successful.
In the research I have been doing I have learned that part of the tumor is the aggressive type of cancer. I know that if caught early it is highly curable. Now the question is did we catch early or not. The CT scan will also tell me that. It will be used by the Oncologist to stage the cancer. Monday will answer a lot of questions.
The change in my approach to life has changed. I used to look long term. Months in advance. Now I simply look at each step as it comes my way. Today my focus is on the CT scan that is scheduled for tomorrow. Tomorrow afternoon through the weekend will be focused on the Oncologist appointment that is set for Monday afternoon. Beyond Monday is a mystery to me. I have no idea where life will go from there. This short term vision is so very different for me. It is going to take a lot of getting used to.
I see my pdoc on the 11th. I am not sure what is going to happen there. Will we try changing meds because these are not really working that well anymore. Or will we increase the dosage. Then there is the possible medication interaction if chemotherapy is the chosen therapy for my cancer. There will need to be some close work done by my doctors so everything stays in balance.
I have been having thoughts of suicide. I have not started making any plans, but the idea is still there. I am not sure if it is the result of the meds losing effectiveness or it is my health situation. I am holding on, but the thoughts of suicide are keeping me worried. The last time i had thoughts like these I did attempt suicide. Obviously it was a failed attempt, but it still was an attempt. Hospitalization would not be a good thing for me right now. I fear that if i have to be hospitalized for a suicide attempt, I will give up completely.
Until Monday, stay tuned.
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