The verdict is coming

I have made it through the surgery. It went longer than expected, but they were able to remove the testicle in one piece. Of course that meant a larger incision and consequently more staples. The incision is 8 inches long. That length required 12 staples to close it. I am still amazed that this whole procedure was done on an out patient basis. I had surgery at 11:00 am and was home by 2:30pm. I was out of surgery for 30 minutes and they had me up and walking. In times past I would have been hospitalized for 3 days. I was told that walking helps speed the healing process. It turns out that I my case this was true. I was off work for only 2 days. That still amazes me.

Today is the post-op appointment. Today I get the results from the pathology report. I am fairly certain that it is cancer, my urologist told me that he was 95% certain it was cancer, I am just wondering how aggressive this cancer is. I am already shopping for an Oncologist. Once I get the results I will know what direction things will take. It is possible that it had not spread and all of it has been removed. If that is the case I could be done with treatment. If it has spread or it is an aggressive type of cancer then there will be more decisions to make and more treatments to take.

I am at a point where I am tired of the waiting and not knowing. Another part of me is wondering how this is going to affect my moods. I have been all over the map since this started. Depression has been the most prevalent. But there have been moments of mania. So I suspect I am getting into a mixed state. I absolutely despise mixed states. I never truly realize that I am in one. I can see it coming but I never know when it has arrived. To me it is the worst kind on "instability". I just get rocked from one side to the other. I know I am never in tune with it either. At least if I am in tune with my mood I know what to do to help myself. A mixed state brings on all of the worst of the spectrum. It is mixed states where I have attempted suicide. I do know that I have to rely on my support network to keep myself out of harms way. But that does not stop the thoughts. It usually takes a major med adjustment, or perhaps hospitalization this time. Neither are options I like, but to keep on living one will have to be chosen, if not both. Of course I can work myself out of it without any help. Yes I know that is whistling past the graveyard. But at the moment that is the thought running through my brain.

Two hours to go. I have always known that life can change in an instant. In point of fact I have experienced that many times. However I have never known the exact time of that instant before. Perhaps this time the instant will never come.

Stay tuned.