I am beginning to fell like my face is pressed against the window of life. I can see all that is going on but it does not have a direct affect on me. It is a mental seperation for all that is around me. It is getting harder and harder to interact. Human communication eludes me a times. I feel like screaming, but I know the glass is too thick for anyone to hear me. Try as I might, I can not reach the life that is behind the glass.
I go through my day trying to be normal, engaged, responsive. But it is just an act. I know that I am outside the daily flow of life. But the act is a good one, no one suspects.
The thoughts swirl in my brain but I do not let them escape. For I fear that they are not coherent. That my thoughts wil further seperate me from the flow of life. I can not share them with the ones closest to me. I know I can not put them through this downward spiral once again. I fear that the only way to break this glass that seperates me will be a trip to the hospital. That is what I fear the most. In the past I have been able to talk my way out of hospitalization. For I knew it would relieve me of the remaining friends I have on this earth. Additionally if my employer found out, my job would disappear before my eyes.
I do hope that one day the ignorance and stigma of this disease will evaporate. I do dream of a world where I can be who I truly am. A world where having BiPolar Disorder is not the "scary" thing that it is today.
But that day is too far in the future to give me any comfort today. So I continue my little act and pray no one notices, and keep my eyes focused on what is happening beyond the glass.
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